Many people expect abuse to stop once a relationship is over. For a lot of survivors, it doesn’t. Abuse can continue, change shape, or even begin after separation, as the person causing harm looks for new ways to keep control. This is known as post-separation abuse, and it is a recognised pattern, not a sign that you did something wrong or that you are overreacting.
Understanding what it looks like can help you make sense of your experience, put your safety first, and know where to turn.
If you’re in immediate danger
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What post-separation abuse can look like
It can take many forms, and often several at once. You may recognise some of these:
- Continued coercive control, still trying to dictate what you do, where you go, or how you live, even though you’ve separated.
- Harassment and stalking, unwanted messages, calls or visits, turning up where you are, or monitoring you, sometimes through other people or through your children.
- Economic and financial abuse, withholding money or child maintenance, running up debts in your name, interfering with your work or benefits, or dragging out a financial settlement to keep you dependent.
- Abuse through the family courts, using legal processes to maintain control, for example by making repeated applications, prolonging proceedings, or using contact arrangements as a way to keep pressure on you. This is sometimes called litigation or legal abuse.
- Using the children, undermining you as a parent, sending messages or threats through the children, or using child contact and handovers to continue contact with you.
- Technology and monitoring, tracking your location, accessing shared accounts, or using social media to watch, contact or intimidate you.
- Threats and intimidation, threats about money, housing, immigration status, the children, or your reputation, designed to keep you frightened or compliant.
You’re not imagining it, and you have rights
Post-separation abuse is real and recognised. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises controlling or coercive behaviour and economic abuse as forms of domestic abuse, and this behaviour can continue after a relationship ends.
Depending on your circumstances, protective options may be available to you, such as a non-molestation order (to stop someone harassing, threatening or contacting you) or an occupation order (about who can live in the family home). The family courts can also put measures in place to help you feel safer during proceedings. This is general information, not legal advice, and a specialist adviser can help you understand what applies to your situation.
Keeping a record
If it feels safe to do so, keeping a record of what’s happening can help you access support and, if you choose to, take legal steps later. You might note:
- Dates, times and a short description of incidents.
- Keeping messages, emails or voicemails rather than deleting them.
- Anyone who witnessed what happened.
Store anything you keep somewhere the other person cannot access, such as a trusted friend’s device or a private account they don’t know about.
Safety around children and handovers
If you share children, contact and handovers can be a difficult and higher-risk time. Where possible, it can help to:
- Arrange handovers in a neutral, public place, or ask a trusted third person to help.
- Ask about supervised contact or contact centres if handovers don’t feel safe.
- Keep communication about the children brief, factual and in writing where you can.
- Check your devices and accounts for tracking or shared logins, and change passwords where it’s safe to do so.
Support with the family courts
Going through the family court while experiencing abuse can feel overwhelming, especially if the process itself is being used to continue that abuse. You don’t have to face it without support. Specialist services can help you understand your options, prepare, and feel less alone.
Empowered Insights is developing court support as part of our work with survivors, so that no one has to walk into that process on their own. If this is something you need, please get in touch, we’d be glad to point you in the right direction in the meantime.
Where to get help
You don’t have to go through this alone. These services offer confidential advice and specialist support:
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24 hours, free): 0808 2000 247
- Rights of Women, free, confidential legal advice for women on family law: rightsofwomen.org.uk
- FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors), help with protective court orders: flows.org.uk
- Surviving Economic Abuse, specialist information on economic and financial abuse: survivingeconomicabuse.org
- Mums in Need, support for women experiencing post-separation abuse: mumsinneed.org
- National Stalking Helpline (Suzy Lamplugh Trust): 0808 802 0300
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Download the printable version to keep or share: Post-Separation Abuse (PDF).